Yummy desserts at Coffee Club!
My darling daughter sleeping on me.
The socks I bought for her from China!
The world is full of lessons. Each day is a treasure.
posted by Stonewindow
@ 2:43 PM
0 comments
Monday, November 17, 2008
Yummy desserts at Coffee Club!
My darling daughter sleeping on me.
The socks I bought for her from China!
The world is full of lessons. Each day is a treasure.
Sunday, November 09, 2008
Angel
The touch of an angel,
Innocent and gentle,
Its wings spread over me,
To protect me from harm.
I'm giving you this angel,
To protect you on my behalf.
I'll suffer in your place,
I'll cry for your pain,
To pay my debts,
For not being there.
Dear Angel,
Please take care of my loved ones,
Let all harm come to me,
Let them be safe,
Let them be unharmed.
Show them I care
During hard times.
I'll take their sins,
I'll bear their punishments,
So Angel, please watch over them...
I wrote this perhaps ten years ago, perhaps slightly less. Years before I came to know Jesus. Was initially too embarrassed to put this up, but I saw how I had the impression of Jesus in my subconsciousness even though I'd never known Him..
His eyes told stories of boundless lands
His lips quivered symphonies of a thousand bands
He took the world upon his shoulders
He parted rivers so I could cross
My fragile heart of glass was shattered
The tiny fragments roughly scattered
He picked up the pieces and put them together
And lifted me up and carried me onwards
All before me was an ugly sketch
I saw no colours, I saw no distance
The world kept spinning oblivious to my presence
Every next step was a trudge through a tangle
And then upon a rainbow he transcended
Beneath a resplendent beam of light
Every night I hoped for a miracle
There came the answer to my prayers
He painted my world an array of colours
He cleaved the thickets that obscured my path
I saw the flutters of a butterfly
I saw the jewels that dotted the night
An angel descended when I was downest
To urge me on, to hold me through
In a world so full of uncertainties
I find assurance in my fallen angel
The angel that brought me to life
I wrote this one perhaps 2+ years ago, a few months before I came to know the Lord. I wrote it about a guy who doted on me for a while. I have forgiven and let go, so I have no more complaints to rant about. Anyway, looking back on this, I realized that I had yearned so much for a perfect lover, the one whom I described in this poem. Perhaps it's every girl's fairytale dream. Perhaps just mine. But how I desired that man. And I received a great big slap across my cheek - there is no such man on earth. It took a few slaps to wake me up. I avoided this pain, and begged for the gift of celibacy, though always questioning myself why I get attracted to guys so easily (far too easily, causing too much hurt to both parties) and running away from them the moment anything starts to happen. And finally today as I was walking home I acknowledged this desire. I stopped running away. I faced up to my desires. And then I found my perfect lover. He had been standing there all along, but I never allowed Him to fill that empty part of me. It's still a struggle, I'm a forgetful person. But I am reminded of a picture I saw: I was in a wedding gown, and Jesus was my groom. I felt like the happiest bride in the world. I know there will be no man like Him. I have to learn to love the way He loves - beyond the imperfections, constantly, deeply, unconditionally. There is a part of me that longs to be loved. There is another of part of me that forgets that I'm completely and unconditionally loved, the agape love.
Strangely, though the source of my fear wasn't from Him, I find Him moulding it for a purpose that's according to His will. He seems to be turning this fear into something else. He's transforming my dislike towards children into something else. He's changed my reaction when I see happy couples from yearning to joy - for them, and for my singleness.
"The unmarried woman and virgin are concerned about the Lord's affair: her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in body and spirit."
But Gosh, I'm only 22.
The touch of an angel,
Innocent and gentle,
Its wings spread over me,
To protect me from harm.
I'm giving you this angel,
To protect you on my behalf.
I'll suffer in your place,
I'll cry for your pain,
To pay my debts,
For not being there.
Dear Angel,
Please take care of my loved ones,
Let all harm come to me,
Let them be safe,
Let them be unharmed.
Show them I care
During hard times.
I'll take their sins,
I'll bear their punishments,
So Angel, please watch over them...
I wrote this perhaps ten years ago, perhaps slightly less. Years before I came to know Jesus. Was initially too embarrassed to put this up, but I saw how I had the impression of Jesus in my subconsciousness even though I'd never known Him..
His eyes told stories of boundless lands
His lips quivered symphonies of a thousand bands
He took the world upon his shoulders
He parted rivers so I could cross
My fragile heart of glass was shattered
The tiny fragments roughly scattered
He picked up the pieces and put them together
And lifted me up and carried me onwards
All before me was an ugly sketch
I saw no colours, I saw no distance
The world kept spinning oblivious to my presence
Every next step was a trudge through a tangle
And then upon a rainbow he transcended
Beneath a resplendent beam of light
Every night I hoped for a miracle
There came the answer to my prayers
He painted my world an array of colours
He cleaved the thickets that obscured my path
I saw the flutters of a butterfly
I saw the jewels that dotted the night
An angel descended when I was downest
To urge me on, to hold me through
In a world so full of uncertainties
I find assurance in my fallen angel
The angel that brought me to life
I wrote this one perhaps 2+ years ago, a few months before I came to know the Lord. I wrote it about a guy who doted on me for a while. I have forgiven and let go, so I have no more complaints to rant about. Anyway, looking back on this, I realized that I had yearned so much for a perfect lover, the one whom I described in this poem. Perhaps it's every girl's fairytale dream. Perhaps just mine. But how I desired that man. And I received a great big slap across my cheek - there is no such man on earth. It took a few slaps to wake me up. I avoided this pain, and begged for the gift of celibacy, though always questioning myself why I get attracted to guys so easily (far too easily, causing too much hurt to both parties) and running away from them the moment anything starts to happen. And finally today as I was walking home I acknowledged this desire. I stopped running away. I faced up to my desires. And then I found my perfect lover. He had been standing there all along, but I never allowed Him to fill that empty part of me. It's still a struggle, I'm a forgetful person. But I am reminded of a picture I saw: I was in a wedding gown, and Jesus was my groom. I felt like the happiest bride in the world. I know there will be no man like Him. I have to learn to love the way He loves - beyond the imperfections, constantly, deeply, unconditionally. There is a part of me that longs to be loved. There is another of part of me that forgets that I'm completely and unconditionally loved, the agape love.
Strangely, though the source of my fear wasn't from Him, I find Him moulding it for a purpose that's according to His will. He seems to be turning this fear into something else. He's transforming my dislike towards children into something else. He's changed my reaction when I see happy couples from yearning to joy - for them, and for my singleness.
"The unmarried woman and virgin are concerned about the Lord's affair: her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in body and spirit."
But Gosh, I'm only 22.
posted by Stonewindow @ 10:03 PM
0 comments
The night is darkest 'fore the dawn
In its silence I sought the Lord
Emotions expelled, fervor dispelled
With each failure my heart grew cold
The hunger left, the bread never came
I thought I squandered my faith away
With the very last ounce I could barely scrape
I stood holding an empty plate
A season passed and dust collects
Still I stand with outreached hands
Seeking a promise I know so true
Waiting for hunger and bread again
At last I've used my very last ounce
My arms they quiver and knees they buckle
He came and took the plate from me
And then I saw him as I never did
The desire for the Lord left me almost right after Missions retreat, 2 months ago. I was right in the middle of godly people, working in church office. I faced pastors every single day. I heard people talking about God every single day. But my heart was cold. My journal entries became impersonal and unfeeling. My time with God became distracted and distant. I lost the desire to read His Word, I forgot every verse I ever memorized. My life was a smooth flat road. I started feeling like I needed Him less and less. I felt He stopped speaking to me. Yet deep in my heart, somehow I still knew I am helpless and nothing without Him. Deep in my heart, something kept me seeking Him. Deep inside me, something told me that God is not just a feeling. I went to China with this "mood". I finally crashed when I lay on my bed when I first checked in. All I heard were foreign voices. All I saw was the empty bed beside me. All I felt were a crushing loneliness and a desire for the least bit of familiarity. And I had none. I had not the "high" of being in God's tangible presence.
A voice asked, "Can you take this loneliness all your life?"
I struggled. "I wish I came with another Singaporean."
... "Can you take this loneliness all your life?"
... "I wish there was someone who could speak English, just one line of it."
... "Can you take this loneliness all your life?"
... "As long as You are with me..."
And my tears of pain turned into tears of joy and relief, when I finally felt His comfort wash over me. That very evening, P and A invited me for dinner, and the moment A opened the door, she said, "Welcome! What is your language preference? English or putonghua?" I could've dropped to my knees there and then. By God's grace, my putonghua and comprehension skills for the foreign language (or putonghua with a different accent) improved tremendously. It is a miracle beyond human capabilities. And when the trip was about to come to an end, suddenly there were tons of people speaking to me in English.
On the second or third day, I decided to go for a walk by myself. I am terrible with directions, and decided to take a safe route, by walking in an extremely straight line. After a while, I got a bit more adventurous, so I walked back using a different path, but in the same direction, not daring to make any turns. Yet still I got lost. I was about to panic, for it was getting very dark and I couldn't recognize anything at all. I remembered how I got lost in Singapore once and asked God to take me home and He did, so I trusted Him again, this time in a place completely foreign, so much bigger, and not enough money for a cab. I managed to find my way to the river which was one straight road, yet felt God urging me to go get directions from a traffic police. I didn't listen initially, and kept walking on, yet felt this tremendous unease, and decided to walk back, only to see the traffic police getting on his motorbike, about to leave. I thought, ah, couldn't have been God talking to me. So I decided to walk the river route again. And suddenly, the traffic police got off his bike, and went back to the pavement again. My heart jumped, and I went immediately to ask for directions. He spoke perfect comprehensible putonghua, and he knew the place I stayed (I told him the road name). He said it was way way too far to walk home, and directed me to the bus stop. Just the day before, K taught me how to read the bus route. I then realized I had gone to the wrong bus stop, and crossed the road. Then I couldn't find the bus I was supposed to take, and asked for directions from someone else. He, too, knew my place, and directed me to another stop. He then asked me, "Are you from China?" My jaw dropped. Anyway I took the bus home, and it really was a long journey. How on earth did I get myself so lost?! But God was faithful. He allowed me to get lost, allowed me to learn many lessons along the way, and He brought me home eventually. After that day, it seemed that no other local stranger I talked to knew where my place was.
I saw China through different lens, I saw the people, the culture, and I felt I belonged. I never felt that way in a foreign land. A lot of times, not even here. I fell in love.
Through this trip, I saw what being children of God really meant. We're undifferentiated by colour, race, language. We're His children by His grace, by the blood of Jesus Christ. I saw God as the God of every people, every tribe, every tongue, every race.
When the patients asked, "You've come such a long way, why are you here, why did you bother to come, why are you so good to us?" How I longed to say, "因为耶和华多么深深地爱你.." But I could only say, "Because I love you.." and pray they could see that it wasn't me who said it but God who did.
And on the very day I came back, at TF, Avelyn led worship, and a song said "Ask and I'll give the nations to you, Oh Lord, that's the cry of my heart.." and another had something like regarding Christ's love in the silence. I couldn't help but let the tears roll down. "Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you'll receive, and your joy will be complete."
Abba Father, dearest Daddy.. I ask for the nations. I plead for their souls. I've lost the words, but you know my heart. Rather, You know Yours. And so I plead on their behalf, though they would never know till we meet in heaven. Sweet, sweet, gracious, holy Husband, for their salvation, that they may experience this inexpressible joy of a reunion with You, I ask in Your precious name.. Jesus..
"sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything." 2 Corinthians 6:10
In its silence I sought the Lord
Emotions expelled, fervor dispelled
With each failure my heart grew cold
The hunger left, the bread never came
I thought I squandered my faith away
With the very last ounce I could barely scrape
I stood holding an empty plate
A season passed and dust collects
Still I stand with outreached hands
Seeking a promise I know so true
Waiting for hunger and bread again
At last I've used my very last ounce
My arms they quiver and knees they buckle
He came and took the plate from me
And then I saw him as I never did
The desire for the Lord left me almost right after Missions retreat, 2 months ago. I was right in the middle of godly people, working in church office. I faced pastors every single day. I heard people talking about God every single day. But my heart was cold. My journal entries became impersonal and unfeeling. My time with God became distracted and distant. I lost the desire to read His Word, I forgot every verse I ever memorized. My life was a smooth flat road. I started feeling like I needed Him less and less. I felt He stopped speaking to me. Yet deep in my heart, somehow I still knew I am helpless and nothing without Him. Deep in my heart, something kept me seeking Him. Deep inside me, something told me that God is not just a feeling. I went to China with this "mood". I finally crashed when I lay on my bed when I first checked in. All I heard were foreign voices. All I saw was the empty bed beside me. All I felt were a crushing loneliness and a desire for the least bit of familiarity. And I had none. I had not the "high" of being in God's tangible presence.
A voice asked, "Can you take this loneliness all your life?"
I struggled. "I wish I came with another Singaporean."
... "Can you take this loneliness all your life?"
... "I wish there was someone who could speak English, just one line of it."
... "Can you take this loneliness all your life?"
... "As long as You are with me..."
And my tears of pain turned into tears of joy and relief, when I finally felt His comfort wash over me. That very evening, P and A invited me for dinner, and the moment A opened the door, she said, "Welcome! What is your language preference? English or putonghua?" I could've dropped to my knees there and then. By God's grace, my putonghua and comprehension skills for the foreign language (or putonghua with a different accent) improved tremendously. It is a miracle beyond human capabilities. And when the trip was about to come to an end, suddenly there were tons of people speaking to me in English.
On the second or third day, I decided to go for a walk by myself. I am terrible with directions, and decided to take a safe route, by walking in an extremely straight line. After a while, I got a bit more adventurous, so I walked back using a different path, but in the same direction, not daring to make any turns. Yet still I got lost. I was about to panic, for it was getting very dark and I couldn't recognize anything at all. I remembered how I got lost in Singapore once and asked God to take me home and He did, so I trusted Him again, this time in a place completely foreign, so much bigger, and not enough money for a cab. I managed to find my way to the river which was one straight road, yet felt God urging me to go get directions from a traffic police. I didn't listen initially, and kept walking on, yet felt this tremendous unease, and decided to walk back, only to see the traffic police getting on his motorbike, about to leave. I thought, ah, couldn't have been God talking to me. So I decided to walk the river route again. And suddenly, the traffic police got off his bike, and went back to the pavement again. My heart jumped, and I went immediately to ask for directions. He spoke perfect comprehensible putonghua, and he knew the place I stayed (I told him the road name). He said it was way way too far to walk home, and directed me to the bus stop. Just the day before, K taught me how to read the bus route. I then realized I had gone to the wrong bus stop, and crossed the road. Then I couldn't find the bus I was supposed to take, and asked for directions from someone else. He, too, knew my place, and directed me to another stop. He then asked me, "Are you from China?" My jaw dropped. Anyway I took the bus home, and it really was a long journey. How on earth did I get myself so lost?! But God was faithful. He allowed me to get lost, allowed me to learn many lessons along the way, and He brought me home eventually. After that day, it seemed that no other local stranger I talked to knew where my place was.
I saw China through different lens, I saw the people, the culture, and I felt I belonged. I never felt that way in a foreign land. A lot of times, not even here. I fell in love.
Through this trip, I saw what being children of God really meant. We're undifferentiated by colour, race, language. We're His children by His grace, by the blood of Jesus Christ. I saw God as the God of every people, every tribe, every tongue, every race.
When the patients asked, "You've come such a long way, why are you here, why did you bother to come, why are you so good to us?" How I longed to say, "因为耶和华多么深深地爱你.." But I could only say, "Because I love you.." and pray they could see that it wasn't me who said it but God who did.
And on the very day I came back, at TF, Avelyn led worship, and a song said "Ask and I'll give the nations to you, Oh Lord, that's the cry of my heart.." and another had something like regarding Christ's love in the silence. I couldn't help but let the tears roll down. "Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you'll receive, and your joy will be complete."
Abba Father, dearest Daddy.. I ask for the nations. I plead for their souls. I've lost the words, but you know my heart. Rather, You know Yours. And so I plead on their behalf, though they would never know till we meet in heaven. Sweet, sweet, gracious, holy Husband, for their salvation, that they may experience this inexpressible joy of a reunion with You, I ask in Your precious name.. Jesus..
"sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything." 2 Corinthians 6:10
posted by Stonewindow @ 8:48 PM
0 comments
Friday, November 07, 2008
In just 12 days, I fell in love, I experienced a miracle, I made myself very good friends, I found myself a godbrother, and I grew up (at least a little), I experienced tremendous loneliness, only to receive greater comfort from God through His presence and people He placed in my life. I'm back, but half my heart remains there.
我以前说普通话的时候似乎有口吃，很辛苦地把字一个一个的吐出来，但是神在我这方面做了很大的奇迹。我在哪儿的时候说得出一口蛮流利的普通话（简单的）。我有一次迷了路，而当我在问路的时候，一位本地人问我是不是汉人。我在心里暗暗地笑。感谢神的恩赐，让我去到那个地方，认识我那几位好朋友，而且学会讲有广腔的普通话。
现在回到家，没必要说普通话了，但我决心把它学好，希望以后有机会回去，比较长期地待在哪儿。可能在奥洲会有一点难，希望爸爸会给我机会使用到普通话。
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One of the rehab stations we go to. This is where we see our patients. That's my godbrother with the cap..jpg)
Their overhead bridge!.jpg)
My favourite place to walk - by the river..jpg)
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posted by Stonewindow @ 4:01 PM
0 comments
Monday, October 20, 2008
And so I'll be leaving for China for 2 weeks this Saturday. Lots of first-times for this trip. First time going to China. First time going out of Singapore alone. First time having to speak a language that is almost foreign to me (perfect Mandarin, without mixing English and dialect) for 2 whole weeks. First time looking after myself. First time in a natural-disaster-stricken area.
And I'll be leaving for Australia next year, before 9th Feb, for either a year, or longer if I decide to stay and work there.
I need God right now, like how I've needed Him every day-before, and how I'll need Him every day-after. Am thankful He's shown Himself trustworthy, a God whom I can hang on to, a God who will never fail to be a source of comfort. When I am in these foreign places, perhaps when I feel most lonely, scared, uncomfortable, home-sick etc., He will be my closest Friend and Companion. Am thankful for a God who will never leave my side. Am thankful for a God who can stop the rain and move the earth. Am thankful for the great privilege of seeing Him hold the rain when I prayed. Am thankful for the great privilege of watching Him stir in the hearts of prebelievers whom I prayed for. Am highly assured and confident that every prayer of mine will be answered as long as my heart is in line with His.
Am I prepared for this trip? Not at all. I think even if I'm given ten years, I would probably never be prepared. I think this is one of those things that I just have to experience to learn, and through this experience, be prepared for the next one I'll go for, if I do. Is this anything to boast about? Gosh, I think not at all. This has shown me how much a coward I am. I have been too comfortable for way too long.
Thank you for your prayers. My fears and inadequacies are slowly revealing themselves, to me and perhaps to others who notice. I am the least eligible, least equipped. I am young in faith, completely inexperienced in travelling, struggling with even keeping a consistent time with God at times. When I come home in one piece, all glory be to God. Am very thankful for the experience in SGH as well as Bartley. I think both will come in very very handy.
"I have been crucified and no longer live, but Christ who lives in me. The life I live in this body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me."
"Whom have I in heaven but You? And the earth has nothing I desire besides You. My heart and strength may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
And I'll be leaving for Australia next year, before 9th Feb, for either a year, or longer if I decide to stay and work there.
I need God right now, like how I've needed Him every day-before, and how I'll need Him every day-after. Am thankful He's shown Himself trustworthy, a God whom I can hang on to, a God who will never fail to be a source of comfort. When I am in these foreign places, perhaps when I feel most lonely, scared, uncomfortable, home-sick etc., He will be my closest Friend and Companion. Am thankful for a God who will never leave my side. Am thankful for a God who can stop the rain and move the earth. Am thankful for the great privilege of seeing Him hold the rain when I prayed. Am thankful for the great privilege of watching Him stir in the hearts of prebelievers whom I prayed for. Am highly assured and confident that every prayer of mine will be answered as long as my heart is in line with His.
Am I prepared for this trip? Not at all. I think even if I'm given ten years, I would probably never be prepared. I think this is one of those things that I just have to experience to learn, and through this experience, be prepared for the next one I'll go for, if I do. Is this anything to boast about? Gosh, I think not at all. This has shown me how much a coward I am. I have been too comfortable for way too long.
Thank you for your prayers. My fears and inadequacies are slowly revealing themselves, to me and perhaps to others who notice. I am the least eligible, least equipped. I am young in faith, completely inexperienced in travelling, struggling with even keeping a consistent time with God at times. When I come home in one piece, all glory be to God. Am very thankful for the experience in SGH as well as Bartley. I think both will come in very very handy.
"I have been crucified and no longer live, but Christ who lives in me. The life I live in this body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me."
"Whom have I in heaven but You? And the earth has nothing I desire besides You. My heart and strength may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
posted by Stonewindow @ 9:34 PM
0 comments
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Doctor
A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was leaving the room after paying a visit, and said, "Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side." Very quietly the doctor said, "I don't know." "You don't know?" the man said. "You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other side?"
The doctor was holding the handle of the door, on the other side of which came a sound of scratching and whining. As he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness. Turning to the patient, the doctor said, "Did you notice my dog? He's never been in this room before. He didn't know what was inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear."
"I know little of what is on the other side of death," the doctor continued, "but I do know one thing: I know my Master is there, and that is enough. And when the door opens, I shall pass through with no fear, but with gladness."
(http://www.reflections-online.net/en/stories_4.php)
A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was leaving the room after paying a visit, and said, "Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side." Very quietly the doctor said, "I don't know." "You don't know?" the man said. "You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other side?"
The doctor was holding the handle of the door, on the other side of which came a sound of scratching and whining. As he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness. Turning to the patient, the doctor said, "Did you notice my dog? He's never been in this room before. He didn't know what was inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear."
"I know little of what is on the other side of death," the doctor continued, "but I do know one thing: I know my Master is there, and that is enough. And when the door opens, I shall pass through with no fear, but with gladness."
(http://www.reflections-online.net/en/stories_4.php)
posted by Stonewindow @ 5:33 PM
0 comments
WHEN I SAY, "I AM A CHRISTIAN"
When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not shouting, "I've been saved!"
I'm whispering, "I get lost! That's why I chose this way"
When I say, "I am a Christian," I don't speak with human pride
I'm confessing that I stumble-needing God to be my guide
When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not trying to be strong
I'm professing that I'm weak and pray for strength to carry on
When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not bragging of success
I'm admitting that I've failed and cannot ever pay the debt
When I say, "I am a Christian," I don't think I know it all
I submit to my confusion asking humbly to be taught
When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not claiming to be perfect
My flaws are far too visible but God believes I'm worth it
When I say, "I am a Christian," I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartache which is why I seek His name
When I say, "I am a Christian," I do not wish to judge
I have no authority--I only know I'm loved
------- Carol Wimmer (1988)
Thank God for KJ, to bring young children into His kingdom, or to just place the first step in order to open the way. Thank God for TM, to nurture young hearts into those after our Lord's very own heart. Thank God for the chance to serve at KJ. I've never felt weaker, more useless and helpless. I can't teach, I can't connect with children, I don't love kids, I never know what to do, what to say. I am so small. And here lies a chance for God to be so big. Unfortunately, I only pray before, and thank God after, but I forget to depend on Him right through KJ, and hence I fret and worry, and my head bounces off the four walls a million times a second. Going through the SHAPE (Spiritual gift, Heart, Abilities, Personality, Experiences) series was great, especially for those not serving, or those lost in terms of career (i.e. me, and me). Through the SHAPE series, I see that KJ is the last place I should be according to how I am made. However, one thing I've learnt personally is that sometimes service is just plain doing something for someone just cuz you love him/her, and it doesn't matter whether we love doing it or not. And through serving in a place where I know I (if on my own) will fail so terribly, God will be glorified through whatever good that comes out of my service. It's great to be doing something with what God's blessed us with, an ability, a passion etc., but once in a while when we do something we know we totally suck at, where we really have to beg for God's help, it teaches humility and dependence on God, and the verse "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" comes alive. To be content whatever the circumstances, whatever the state we're in, and to depend on God's strength, we can do anything. We were not made to be independent of God.
Was sitting next to Fuji during baptism yesterday, and casually mentioned a common friend who was considering a similar full-time Christian work but who faced objections from parents. Fuji said sometimes it's good to have hurdles and obstacles to cross. Sometimes I forget that. But if God wants us to go wherever and do whatever, nothing will stop Him from sending us, as long as our hearts are willing.
Isaiah says:
In the year that king Uzziah died I saw also the LORD sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up, and his train filled the temple.
Above it stood the seraphims: each one had six wings; with twain he covered his face, and with twain he covered his feet, and with twain he did fly.
And one cried unto another, and said, Holy, holy, holy, is the LORD of hosts: the whole earth is full of his glory.
And the posts of the door moved at the voice of him that cried, and the house was filled with smoke.
Then said I, Woe is me! for I am undone; because I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips: for mine eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts.
Then flew one of the seraphims unto me, having a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with the tongs from off the altar:
And he laid it upon my mouth, and said, Lo, this hath touched thy lips; and thine iniquity is taken away, and thy sin purged.
Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, Whom shall I send, and who will go for us? Then said I, Here am I; send me.
And he said, Go, and tell this people, Hear ye indeed, but understand not; and see ye indeed, but perceive not.
Holy is the Lord, whose glory fills heaven and earth, whom all can't help but praise when before Him. And how unclean we are before Him, yet by the death and resurrection of Jesus, we are purged of our sin. And He asks each one of us who are cleansed by the blood of His precious Lamb, "Whom shall I send?"
It is Him who enables us even to move. Will we serve a god whom we have to labour for, the god of money, accomplishments, fun and entertainment? Or will we serve the God who will labour through us, where we only need walk in obedience and wait on Him who will work all things out according the purpose of His will?
"For you have spent enough time in the past doing what the pagans choose to do - living in debauchery, lust, drunkenness, orgies, carousing and detestable idolatry." 1 Peter 4:3
"If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power forever and ever..." 1 Peter 4:11
I have spent enough time serving myself and the idols and gods of this world. I always forget that it's not about me anymore, nor about what I like. God has good plans for all of us, plans better than what any human being can possible formulate by himself. I trust God's plans above my own, and I choose to take the step of obedience despite the fears and unenthusiasm on my part. If it's really God's will for me to continue my journey as a therapist, I suppose He will help me like it. And if I never do, it is God I serve, God whom I love, who is worth doing what I don't like for. At least it's only just a couple of decades, and the rest of eternity would be sheer joy walking with Him.
I am no salesman, but merely a more-than-satisfied consumer of Jesus Christ.
Here I am; send me...
I trust God to take care of me, but I used not to trust God to take care of my family. Never realized it till recently. I said it, but never believed it. I always thought I had to work hard and earn lots of money to give my parents a comfortable life, and help support my sister as well. I failed to see that God can take care of them as well as He can take care of me. And that would be better than I possibly could. And thank God for the Church, the family of God.
Warning: Going for lunch with a medical student can be stomach-upsetting for those who are not used to hearing stories about intestines being pulled out of the body, and fingers digging around on the operation table looking for the hidden appendix.
When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not shouting, "I've been saved!"
I'm whispering, "I get lost! That's why I chose this way"
When I say, "I am a Christian," I don't speak with human pride
I'm confessing that I stumble-needing God to be my guide
When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not trying to be strong
I'm professing that I'm weak and pray for strength to carry on
When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not bragging of success
I'm admitting that I've failed and cannot ever pay the debt
When I say, "I am a Christian," I don't think I know it all
I submit to my confusion asking humbly to be taught
When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not claiming to be perfect
My flaws are far too visible but God believes I'm worth it
When I say, "I am a Christian," I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartache which is why I seek His name
When I say, "I am a Christian," I do not wish to judge
I have no authority--I only know I'm loved
------- Carol Wimmer (1988)
Thank God for KJ, to bring young children into His kingdom, or to just place the first step in order to open the way. Thank God for TM, to nurture young hearts into those after our Lord's very own heart. Thank God for the chance to serve at KJ. I've never felt weaker, more useless and helpless. I can't teach, I can't connect with children, I don't love kids, I never know what to do, what to say. I am so small. And here lies a chance for God to be so big. Unfortunately, I only pray before, and thank God after, but I forget to depend on Him right through KJ, and hence I fret and worry, and my head bounces off the four walls a million times a second. Going through the SHAPE (Spiritual gift, Heart, Abilities, Personality, Experiences) series was great, especially for those not serving, or those lost in terms of career (i.e. me, and me). Through the SHAPE series, I see that KJ is the last place I should be according to how I am made. However, one thing I've learnt personally is that sometimes service is just plain doing something for someone just cuz you love him/her, and it doesn't matter whether we love doing it or not. And through serving in a place where I know I (if on my own) will fail so terribly, God will be glorified through whatever good that comes out of my service. It's great to be doing something with what God's blessed us with, an ability, a passion etc., but once in a while when we do something we know we totally suck at, where we really have to beg for God's help, it teaches humility and dependence on God, and the verse "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" comes alive. To be content whatever the circumstances, whatever the state we're in, and to depend on God's strength, we can do anything. We were not made to be independent of God.
Was sitting next to Fuji during baptism yesterday, and casually mentioned a common friend who was considering a similar full-time Christian work but who faced objections from parents. Fuji said sometimes it's good to have hurdles and obstacles to cross. Sometimes I forget that. But if God wants us to go wherever and do whatever, nothing will stop Him from sending us, as long as our hearts are willing.
Isaiah says:
In the year that king Uzziah died I saw also the LORD sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up, and his train filled the temple.
Above it stood the seraphims: each one had six wings; with twain he covered his face, and with twain he covered his feet, and with twain he did fly.
And one cried unto another, and said, Holy, holy, holy, is the LORD of hosts: the whole earth is full of his glory.
And the posts of the door moved at the voice of him that cried, and the house was filled with smoke.
Then said I, Woe is me! for I am undone; because I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips: for mine eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts.
Then flew one of the seraphims unto me, having a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with the tongs from off the altar:
And he laid it upon my mouth, and said, Lo, this hath touched thy lips; and thine iniquity is taken away, and thy sin purged.
Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, Whom shall I send, and who will go for us? Then said I, Here am I; send me.
And he said, Go, and tell this people, Hear ye indeed, but understand not; and see ye indeed, but perceive not.
Holy is the Lord, whose glory fills heaven and earth, whom all can't help but praise when before Him. And how unclean we are before Him, yet by the death and resurrection of Jesus, we are purged of our sin. And He asks each one of us who are cleansed by the blood of His precious Lamb, "Whom shall I send?"
It is Him who enables us even to move. Will we serve a god whom we have to labour for, the god of money, accomplishments, fun and entertainment? Or will we serve the God who will labour through us, where we only need walk in obedience and wait on Him who will work all things out according the purpose of His will?
"For you have spent enough time in the past doing what the pagans choose to do - living in debauchery, lust, drunkenness, orgies, carousing and detestable idolatry." 1 Peter 4:3
"If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power forever and ever..." 1 Peter 4:11
I have spent enough time serving myself and the idols and gods of this world. I always forget that it's not about me anymore, nor about what I like. God has good plans for all of us, plans better than what any human being can possible formulate by himself. I trust God's plans above my own, and I choose to take the step of obedience despite the fears and unenthusiasm on my part. If it's really God's will for me to continue my journey as a therapist, I suppose He will help me like it. And if I never do, it is God I serve, God whom I love, who is worth doing what I don't like for. At least it's only just a couple of decades, and the rest of eternity would be sheer joy walking with Him.
I am no salesman, but merely a more-than-satisfied consumer of Jesus Christ.
Here I am; send me...
I trust God to take care of me, but I used not to trust God to take care of my family. Never realized it till recently. I said it, but never believed it. I always thought I had to work hard and earn lots of money to give my parents a comfortable life, and help support my sister as well. I failed to see that God can take care of them as well as He can take care of me. And that would be better than I possibly could. And thank God for the Church, the family of God.
Warning: Going for lunch with a medical student can be stomach-upsetting for those who are not used to hearing stories about intestines being pulled out of the body, and fingers digging around on the operation table looking for the hidden appendix.
posted by Stonewindow @ 5:06 PM
1 comments
Monday, October 06, 2008
It was my mum's birthday yesterday, and we went out for dinner together as a family. It's been so long. But it's great to have a family! Last night before I slept, I was thinking in bed, and praying for my family. It was after I read something very hurtful. Suddenly, I was struck by a sudden realization, and it was so so painful. It was an epiphany that said "your sister loves you; your parents love you". I always thought my sister hated me, and I found it so hard to love her. The realization that I've been so wrong about her was a dagger into my heart. I thought about how she baked me cookies shaped in my name for my birthday, the cards she's written me, the gifts she's given me, then I thought about how I was never there for her, how I never genuinely cared for her, and boy was I stabbed right through my heart.
Am gonna go out for lunch with my mum now. I think this tuesday-to-friday work week thing is working really well for me! I have a weekday to bum around and do whatever. If I wanna go out, it won't be crowded. If I wanna stay home, it just feels different from a weekend. It's quieter somehow. I'm starting to try to live without my phone again. It's a little rude, missing calls, late replies, but it feels really great to be unreachable. Good preparation for my 2 weeks in China! Which reminds me, I'm totally not prepared for my trip at all. How can I go as a professional when I have barely any work experience? Now that my parents have peace, everything else is slamming into my head. The language, my lack of skills (professional, navigation, self-care) etc. are starting to boggle my mind. "My grace is sufficient for you; for my strength is made perfect in weakness" is gonna come alive for me! I have never experienced a time of greater weakness. Maybe I have, and have forgotten. Anyhow, I know it is not the last. More moments will come when I have to depend fully on God! Ho ho! Gutless, clueless, everythingless, but Godful, I have to believe that faith alone will suffice. I'd rather be stuck in a mudslide than cause more damage to an already injured person. Please God, You're the super-smart one, help me even as I treat them! Will I finally give in and ask myself "What did I get myself into?" I really hope not. Ha! All that comes out of my mouth (or rather, my hands) are words of a faithless girl. When shall I turn into a faithful woman? Please, please, let it be soon, because lack of faith kills the soul, and every bit of sanity. Then again, I think faith = sanity in today's context. WE HAVE A BIG GOD! Oft we live without truly believing that. (Aye! Guilty!) Time to live by faith and not by sight.
Wo3 yao4 zun3 bei4 qu4 zhong1 guo2 le! Ke3 shi4 wo1 de ji1 piao4 hai2 mei2 ding4. Wo3 dou1 bu4 zhi1 dao4 wo3 hui4 zhu4 zai4 na2 li3. Gen4 zao1, wo3 bu4 zhi1 dao4 hui4 yu4 dao4 she3 me zhong3 qing2 kuang4. I am more clueless than whoever just read that string of gibberish that was supposed to be Mandarin. I'm starting to believe more and more that "we are better together". Stepping out of my comfort zone for the very first time is ha ha ha.
Am gonna go out for lunch with my mum now. I think this tuesday-to-friday work week thing is working really well for me! I have a weekday to bum around and do whatever. If I wanna go out, it won't be crowded. If I wanna stay home, it just feels different from a weekend. It's quieter somehow. I'm starting to try to live without my phone again. It's a little rude, missing calls, late replies, but it feels really great to be unreachable. Good preparation for my 2 weeks in China! Which reminds me, I'm totally not prepared for my trip at all. How can I go as a professional when I have barely any work experience? Now that my parents have peace, everything else is slamming into my head. The language, my lack of skills (professional, navigation, self-care) etc. are starting to boggle my mind. "My grace is sufficient for you; for my strength is made perfect in weakness" is gonna come alive for me! I have never experienced a time of greater weakness. Maybe I have, and have forgotten. Anyhow, I know it is not the last. More moments will come when I have to depend fully on God! Ho ho! Gutless, clueless, everythingless, but Godful, I have to believe that faith alone will suffice. I'd rather be stuck in a mudslide than cause more damage to an already injured person. Please God, You're the super-smart one, help me even as I treat them! Will I finally give in and ask myself "What did I get myself into?" I really hope not. Ha! All that comes out of my mouth (or rather, my hands) are words of a faithless girl. When shall I turn into a faithful woman? Please, please, let it be soon, because lack of faith kills the soul, and every bit of sanity. Then again, I think faith = sanity in today's context. WE HAVE A BIG GOD! Oft we live without truly believing that. (Aye! Guilty!) Time to live by faith and not by sight.
Wo3 yao4 zun3 bei4 qu4 zhong1 guo2 le! Ke3 shi4 wo1 de ji1 piao4 hai2 mei2 ding4. Wo3 dou1 bu4 zhi1 dao4 wo3 hui4 zhu4 zai4 na2 li3. Gen4 zao1, wo3 bu4 zhi1 dao4 hui4 yu4 dao4 she3 me zhong3 qing2 kuang4. I am more clueless than whoever just read that string of gibberish that was supposed to be Mandarin. I'm starting to believe more and more that "we are better together". Stepping out of my comfort zone for the very first time is ha ha ha.
posted by Stonewindow @ 12:27 PM
0 comments
Sunday, October 05, 2008
I have learnt that God answers prayers not because I am a good girl, but because He is a good God. He waited till I fall so far from Him to show me that my righteousness did not come from anything I did/do, but because of Jesus' death and resurrection. All my blessings did not come just cuz I have been faithfully spending time with Him, and been doing good, but because He loves me, because He loves the people I care about, and even the people I don't. He waited till I struggle with even desiring Him, that He started answering the impossible prayers. Not that God is a bad or cheeky God, but it was a lesson I could learn only by experience. I used to think that if I don't love God anymore, or if I don't desire Him or spend time with Him, He won't love me anymore. Today, He says "That is foolish, my dear. Haven't you been hearing that I will always love you the same no matter what?"
Why is God so good? I really don't know. Perhaps someday I will. But right now, I simply do not know, because my heart does not have the capacity like His. I simply cannot love like He does. Today, He says "I don't just love you, I love your entire family. I don't just love your entire family, I love everyone you know. I don't just love everyone you know, I love everyone I know. And I know everyone, because I made every single one of them, every detail of every one of them." And perhaps I finally understood. Perhaps I will not remember, and then I will struggle again. But today, I have a dead weight taken off my shoulder, because I finally understood and believe.
Life isn't fair; but life is good, because we have God. Whether you know Him or not. Whether you love Him or not. It is not the circumstances that determine God's love. Rather, God IS love in spite of the circumstances that try to cloud our minds and occlude our vision.
God loves everyone. Is it fair? Nope. Because some people simply do not deserve to be loved, or so we may think. Child rapists; mass murderers; cheats; hypocrites; heartless people; etc. etc. etc. But life is good, because at some point in our lives, we will be one of those people who do not deserve to be loved. For at that split moment when we make the list of "people who've done something wrong", God loves us despite. Why is it that some people refuse to acknowledge Him? I don't know. But I was one of them. And God loved me, even then.
Is religion a cage that traps all fun-loving souls? Yes. It is. I was trapped the last 2 years. And today, when I finally realized it, and asked God for a split second if I could stop going to church, He freed me. I am free from religion. I am free from religious routines. I am free because I finally understand that it's not about what I do, but it's about His love. His love that led Jesus to the cross. His love that placed our sin on His beloved sinless Son. His love that led to His death and resurrection. His love that placed the Holy Spirit in us to mark us with a seal, and so that we can live victoriously.
I don't have to hate myself, don't have to live in guilt for continually living in sin and constantly denying it. Don't have to put up pretenses to get everyone to like me. It's not me they should be liking. It's Jesus. Jesus who lives in me, right now, at this very instant, from the moment I believed. Don't have to put up that sickening holier-than-thou act. I look back and see myself, and am disgusted. Reminds me of the song "Stained Glass Masquerade" by Casting Crowns. Pretending to be sinless stinks as much as living in sin. I raise my hand and acknowledge I'm a sinner, deserving nothing less than the eternity in hell I was meant to go. And I thank God that He saved this wretch like me, for His amazing grace. Because of His grace, and His grace alone, because of John 3:16, heaven is my eternal home. I still find it hard to believe. It's really "too good to be true". Yet it is (true). He loves us as we are... Hell gets uglier by the minute as the awareness of my sins grow larger.
Why is God so good? I really don't know. Perhaps someday I will. But right now, I simply do not know, because my heart does not have the capacity like His. I simply cannot love like He does. Today, He says "I don't just love you, I love your entire family. I don't just love your entire family, I love everyone you know. I don't just love everyone you know, I love everyone I know. And I know everyone, because I made every single one of them, every detail of every one of them." And perhaps I finally understood. Perhaps I will not remember, and then I will struggle again. But today, I have a dead weight taken off my shoulder, because I finally understood and believe.
Life isn't fair; but life is good, because we have God. Whether you know Him or not. Whether you love Him or not. It is not the circumstances that determine God's love. Rather, God IS love in spite of the circumstances that try to cloud our minds and occlude our vision.
God loves everyone. Is it fair? Nope. Because some people simply do not deserve to be loved, or so we may think. Child rapists; mass murderers; cheats; hypocrites; heartless people; etc. etc. etc. But life is good, because at some point in our lives, we will be one of those people who do not deserve to be loved. For at that split moment when we make the list of "people who've done something wrong", God loves us despite. Why is it that some people refuse to acknowledge Him? I don't know. But I was one of them. And God loved me, even then.
Is religion a cage that traps all fun-loving souls? Yes. It is. I was trapped the last 2 years. And today, when I finally realized it, and asked God for a split second if I could stop going to church, He freed me. I am free from religion. I am free from religious routines. I am free because I finally understand that it's not about what I do, but it's about His love. His love that led Jesus to the cross. His love that placed our sin on His beloved sinless Son. His love that led to His death and resurrection. His love that placed the Holy Spirit in us to mark us with a seal, and so that we can live victoriously.
I don't have to hate myself, don't have to live in guilt for continually living in sin and constantly denying it. Don't have to put up pretenses to get everyone to like me. It's not me they should be liking. It's Jesus. Jesus who lives in me, right now, at this very instant, from the moment I believed. Don't have to put up that sickening holier-than-thou act. I look back and see myself, and am disgusted. Reminds me of the song "Stained Glass Masquerade" by Casting Crowns. Pretending to be sinless stinks as much as living in sin. I raise my hand and acknowledge I'm a sinner, deserving nothing less than the eternity in hell I was meant to go. And I thank God that He saved this wretch like me, for His amazing grace. Because of His grace, and His grace alone, because of John 3:16, heaven is my eternal home. I still find it hard to believe. It's really "too good to be true". Yet it is (true). He loves us as we are... Hell gets uglier by the minute as the awareness of my sins grow larger.
posted by Stonewindow @ 11:04 PM
0 comments
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